The Funny Firm Evergreen Jokes and Humor

Airlines>

A recent report found that Boeing is having problems with some of their aircraft.Problems have included engines falling off mounts and automatic pilot errors.Here are five other problems:

1) When you push the stewardess button the pilot is ejected

2) Flushing the toilets caused the luggage to drop somewhere over Ohio

3) Investigators found that forty percent of the windows don't have screens

4) When the pilots pushed the landing gear button, it actually rewinds thein-flight movie

5) Both wings on same side

Southwest Airlines has announced 19 dollar airfares. Here's a few thingsyou can expect on a 19 dollar flight:

1) Flight often delayed while pilot looks for misplaced keys under frontseat

2) Pesky and expensive safety checks eliminated

3) Festival seating!

4) Co-pilot wearing "I'm with stupid T-shirt"

5) Airline mechanics wearing propeller hats

Five signs you can tell that you have chosen the wrong airline:

1) Ground crew seen using pennies to check tire wear

2) Trendy desert-pastel paint job upon closer inspection turns out to beprimer-yellow and Bondo-pink

3) Man with oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty overalls turnsout to be the pilot

4) Voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your hands and arms inside theaircraft while it is in motion

5) Stewardess offers coffee, tea or Valium

Five more ways to tell if you've chosen a cheap airline:

1) Air sickness bags printed with the Lord's Prayer.

2) Suspicious-looking passenger in the next seat over is nevously countingdown minutes.

3) Pilot asks if anyone on board has jumper cables with them.

4) A telephone with a really long cord attaches the flight crew with thecontrol tower.

5) Navigator keeps asking: "are we there yet??"

The department of transportation says 0.78 percent of aviation workers testedpositive for drugs. I've always wondered why just minutes after take offthey're breaking out the snacks.

Bumper stickers>

Real bumper stickers:

* Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

* Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

* You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

* BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

* I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

* So you're a feminist....Isn't that cute!

* I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

* I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

* Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

* Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

* As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

* WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

* God must love stupid people, he made so many.

* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

* Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

* Where there's a will, I want to be in it!

* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better..

* We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomicparticles.

* 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

* Always remember, you're unique, just like everyone else.

*Ted Kennedy has killed more people with his car than I've killed with mygun.

Cars and driving>

English cars are some of the most incredible cars to drive when they're runninggreat. Unfortunately there's the other 364 days of the year.

Do you know why the English don't make computers? They can't get it to leakoil.

The SAT test for high school students has been revised. The new SAT, calledSAT I, isn't all that different from the old SAT. Here is an actual samplequestion: The odemeter of a new automobile functions improperly and registersonly 2 mile for evry 3 miles driven. The odometer now indicates 48 miles.This means, ((read top to bottom))

a) you've driven 64 miles

b) you've driven 72 miles

c) you've just purchased a new Hundai

Motorists afraid of driving alone can put a dummy in the car. Safe T Manis 5-foot-10 and resembles a 175-pound man, although its real weight is only4 pounds. (A 175-pound man who actually weighs four pounds, talk about aJenny Craig success story!) (Actually, if I remember correctly Al Gore workedhis way through college as a Safe T Man.)

Only in California! The California Highway Patrol has released a new reportthat lists odd activities of drivers. The report found people actually nursedbabies, put in contact lenses, grommed the dog and read books while driving.Here's a few other activities they may have missed:

1) Line dancing

2) Sheep sheering

3) Playing Hide-and-go-seek

4) Mulching

5) Removing delicate surgury

I recently took my driving test, I'll tell ya these tests are getting tougher!The entire back side was in Spanish!

Five signs the cab you are in could be dangerous:

1) The driver is wearing prison clothes

2) The side of the cab has mutiple pedestrians crossed off

3) The cabbie has a picture of himself with Rick Mears

4) Speaks 7 languages fluently, none however English

5) The driver side airbag is already inflated

A recent article in USA Today said that used car prices are soaring! Buyerspaid about 9 percent more in may for a used car vs. a year ago. I have ahard time believing this, I took my beater down to the car dealership andasked the the salesman what I can I get for my car? He said...."how abouta tow truck?"

A New York law, makes driving with 10 or more license suspensions a felonypunishable by a 5000 dollar fine and 4 years in jail. (Only in New York can10 driving license suspensions be a felony, and 9 license suspensions areno problem.)

Coming up next>

A guy who really believes Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.

Computers>

The Redneck's Guide to Computer Lingo

Log on: Making the woodstove hotter.

Log off: Don't add no more wood.

Monitor: Keepin' an eye on that woodstove.

Download: Gettin' the farwood off the truk.

Mega Hertz: When yer not keerful gettin' that farwood downloaded.

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from tryin' to carry too much farwood.

RAM: That thar thang whut splits the farwood.

Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter tahm.

Prompt: Whut the mail ain't in the winter tahm.

Windows: Whut to shut when its cold outside.

Screen: Whut to shut when its black fly season.

Byte: Whut them dang flys do.

Chip: Munchies for the TV

Micro Chip: Whuts left in the munchies bag

Infrared: Whur the left over munchies go...Fred eats 'em.

Modem: Whatcha do to dem hay fields.

Dot Matrix: Ol' Dan Matrix's wife

Lap Top: Whur the kitty sleeps.

Keyboard: Whur ya hang the dang keys.

Software: Them dang plastic forks and knives.

Mouse: That's whut eats the grain in the barn.

Main Frame: That whut holds up the barn ruf.

Port: Fancy flatlander wine.

Enter: Yankee fer c'mon in y'all.

Random Access Memory: When ya caint remember whut ya paid for yer new riflewhen yore wife asks.

Great quote: Dick Cavett on the Information Superhighway "A highway? "It'slong and boring and 50,000 people are killed on it every year."

(Yukmeister)

Crime>

A recent statistic in USA Today found that 73 percent of Americans thinkwe have too many lawyers. Which reminds me, if law school is so tough, howcome we have so many lawyers?)

Five signs that Charles Manson has reformed himself:

1) Fellow inmates have stopped calling him "Crazy Chuck," now call "WeirdChuck"

2) Has new song on upcoming "Barry Manilow album

3) He's wearing loafers more often

4) No longer worships Devil, now worships "The Frugal Gourmet"

5) Never Misses an issue of "Family Circle"

A recent FBI report released Sunday found that crime is decreasing aroundthe United States.

Here's four signs that crime is improving in the U.S.:

1) Gang members now car-pooling to drive-by shootings

2) Muggers now frquently using phrases like, "thank you" and "please"

3) More and more jittery bank robbers now switching to decaf

4) There's now a 5 day wait for criminals to buy stolen handguns

Drugs and Alcohol

An herb called Raddix, used for thousands of years in China may hold promisein the treatment of alcohol abuse. Because U.S. rules require animal testingfirst, the herb has been tested on hampters. The herb has been successfullin cutting alcohol consumption on hampsters bred to prefer alcohol to water.(Great, now if we can just get some of the Kennedy family to try some ofthis herb we'll be in business.)

The Public Health Service has confirmed it is reviewing a government banon medicinal use of marijuana for various medical conditions. (Some pharmacistsare sure to complain of new costs if they have to sell marijauna. They'llneed to buy black lights, flourecent posters and love beads for their stores.)

Elvis>

Ten similarities between Elvis and Jesus:

1) Jesus blessed little children. Elvis dated them.

2) They're both referred to as The King.

3) Neither were actors.

4) Jesus sat on his throne. Elvis died on his.

5) Both are now on a first name basis.

6) Jesus passed out fish and bread. Elvis passed out.

7) Jesus lived in the Promised land. Elvis lived in Graceland.

8) Jesus provided food for thousands. Elvis ate for thousands.

9) Both liked to wear white clothes

10) Both were born in small towns and moved to big cities

Top 5 things Elvis would say if he were alive today:

1) Can I have some more gravy with this order of gravy?

2) Domino's can't deliver in 30 minutes or less? I'll sue!

3) She married who?

4) Thank you, thank you very much!

5) I had to come back from the after-life, this polyester is really stratingto bind.

Earthquakes>

Five little known things about earthquakes in Los Angeles:

1) Madonna quite often thrown off the back of her lover

2)  Most are cuased by sudden movements by Roseanne

3) Angelino's are quick to call loved ones, their mother, their father, kids,agent

4) Gorcery stores run low on batteries, bottled water and Brie cheese

5) The most commonly herad phase is, "did you feel it?" "Was it good foryou too?"

Here's today's quiz:  What is the most important unanswered questionimmediately following an earthquake in los Angeles:

a) Is there another quake on the way?

b) Will it be larger than the first?

c) Who will star in the Earthquake 95 movie of the week docudrama?

In the past few years Southern California has lived through riots, drought,massive fires and a devastating earthquake. (For those of you following alongat home, they're now about half-way through the book of Revelation.)

Food>

Top Five rejected Dominos pizza names:

1) "By-pass in a box"

2) "The Herniator"

3) "Gee That's Way Too Much Pizza"

4) "The Vominator"

5) "Little Seisure Special"

(Some sad news from the snack world today. "Mr. Salty" fell to the groundafter suffering a major heart attack. Doctors said, "this guy had way toomuch sodium in his diet.")

Five dark secrets of the Pilsbury Doughboy:

1) Once took an Uzi to a guy who called him the Pillsbury "Pudge" boy

2) On his days off actually pays people to poke his stomach

3) Has a long held grudge agaist the Michelin Man

4) Figures he'll get more women when he becomes the Pillsbury DoughMan

Leno, on the Department of Agriculture allowing two pellets of rat fecalmatter per two kilograms of breakfast cereal: "Do you know what the technicalname for grain and fecal matter in food is? A hot dog."

Five dark secrets of the "Jolly Green Giant":

1) It's not easy being green, but is sure gets the babes

2) His sidekick, Sprout, actually a bio-engineering experiment gone bad

3) One day vows to kick the Pillsbury Doughboy's ass

4) Once he ate so much frozen broccoli he heaved for 2 days straight

5) Most days, he's much more jovial than he is jolly

The Agriculture Department is calling for school lunches to meet it's dietaryguidelines. That means cutting fat, and adding more fruits and vegetable.Here are the top 5 least popular school cafeteria lunches:

1) Flaming white gristle

2) One-eyed chuck's meatball surprise

3) Minute pork

4) Dented chili can roulette

5) Deep fried venison

A recent statistic in USA Today found the ratio of McDonald's restaurantsto people in the United States is 27,397 to 1. (27,397 to 1? That's the exactsame odds of President Clinton jogging past a McDonald's and not stoppingin for a couple of Quarter Pounders.)

Five least popular Ben and Jerry's flavors:

1) Janitor-in-a-Drum ripple

2) Cherry Garcia's Ashes n' Hash Columbian Surprise

3) Braughtwurst & Fudge Crunch

4) Obnoxious French Vanilla

5) Chocolate Advil Chunks

Geography?>

Five rejected new slogans for Florida:

1) "Don't talk to strangers, keep your doors locked, be aware of yoursurroundings, but most of all have fun!"

2) "Florida, home of the rest in peace stop"

3) "People are just dying' to come here"

4) "Live long, perspire"

5) "Free car wash for all rental cars that have been dusted for prints"

The slogan, "Wisconsin: Go for it" was unveiled by state officials, who saythey'll spend up to 350,000 dollars on advertising in Milwaukee, Chicagoand Minneapolis. Some of the rejected slogans:

1) "Help us get rid of all this cheese"

2) "Come for the extra large steer, stay for the really cheap beer"

3) "Laverne and Shirley no longer live here...we promise"

4) "Cows about coming to Wisconsin?"

Telemex, the big phone company in Mexico, has received a complaint from awoman about phone calls she was charged for but never made. She was chargedseven dollars and fifty cents for three special calls to Jupiter. (Telemexis the Mexican phone company? See, you learn something everyday. I alwaysthought the Mexican phone company was "Taco Bell".)

Some Africanized killer bees have attacked small animals in Arizona andCalifornia.  Here's how you can spot killer bees:

1) Participate in drive-by stingings

2) Have the ability to fly in the shape of a key and unlock doors

3) They wear little tiny masks

4) The only music they listen to is by Sting

Top 5 rejected State motto's:

1) Minnesota: "Why Not Try Our Extra-Crispy Buffalo Wings?"

2) Arkansas: "It's All in the Family!"

3) California: "It's a Riot!"

4) South Carolina: "Just call us, Baja Carolina."

5) New York: "Come for the Pizza, Stay for the Gunfire."

Guns>

Top five gun show pick-up lines:

1) Is that a banana clip in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

2) You have the most beautiful UZI...is it naturally fully auto?

3) Well, you know what they say, it's not the size of the gun that matters,it's how you use it.

4) My sign? Taurus of course.

5) College graduate? Well, I've taken the gun repair course that Sally Strutherstalks so much about.

Health and dieting>

A recent study found that many Chinese take-out dishes are loaded with fatand calories. For example, one order of Kung pao chicken has as much fatas four McDonald's Quarter Pounders. (Upon hearing this, President Clintonrejoiced. Now he can have 2 orders of Kung pao chicken a day and not strayfrom his normal eating habits.) ((USA Today 9/1 1D))

The Coalition for Consumer Health has released a booklet identifying 10 hiddenhazards that we should watch out for. Here are a few hazards that didn'tmake the list, but probably should have:

1) Sizzler's "All You Can Eat Gristle Night"

2) Foreplay with Oprah

3) Yelling at gang members, "hey! keep the gunfire down, I'm trying to sleep"

4) Club Med Bosnia

5) Malt liquor & Bat Night at Yankee stadium

A recent study found that many Chinese take out dishes are loaded with fatand calories. The study also found that most American's think Chinese foodis healthier than traditional American food. (No wonder I've gained so muchweight, all this time I've been eating the wong food.)

Five signs that you've chosen a bad hospital:

1) Doctor shows you his camping photos with doctor Kevorkian

2) They let you charge your bill to a Sears card

3) The sign in front says 2 billion served

4) Blood tests include a tough written portion

5) Wild dogs roam the hallways

The American Heart Association now allows Its heart-and-torch symbol to beused on foods that meet their approval. The symbol is used to educate andinform the public about eating healthy. They should take this one step further.Have a special symbol for foods that are unhealthy. Maybe a symbol of a guydown on his knees grabbing his chest.

Findings from a panel at the American Psychological Association show peoplecan convince themselves that foods are less appealing if they're high infat. Or they can trick themselves into pigging out without guilt if theyprefer. I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, butyou have to eat it with naked fat people.

New exercise guidelines have been announced by three health groups, it asksfor everyone to perform everyday tasks for shorter periods, as long as youaccumulate 30 minutes of activity "on most days". I've talked with my lawyer,he thinks he can get it reduced 15.

The homeless>

Did you know panhandlers in Memphis must now have a 10 dollar license tobeg, and must tell the truth in their begging stories. Breaking the new lawwill cost 50 bucks. (There is one exception to the rule, homeless peopledon't have to tell true stories as long as it's to an imaginary person.)

Immigration>

A recent survey in USA Today showed how immigrants enter the United States.(Twenty-four percent with relatives, 22 percent by employment, and 13 percentin the trunk of Ricardo Montolban's Chrysler Cordoba.)

Language>

HOW TO WRITE....

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren't necessary.

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.

Tell me what you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highlysuperfluous.

14. Be more or less specific.

15. Understatement is always best.

16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

18. The passive voice is to be avoided.

19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

21. Who needs rhetorical questions?

22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Love and Sex>

"What's your sign?" and "Don't I know you from some where?" are still amongthe most popular pick-up lines overheard by bartenders these days, accordingto 1,001 Great Pick-up Lines. "Are we near and airport or is that my hearttaking off?" and "I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman onearth tonight" are a few more popular lines. Here's a list of pick-up linesthat didn't make the list:

1) "Are we near the airport or is that the smell of diesel fuel?"

2) "I'm fighting the urge to make you the most frightened woman on earthtonight"

3) "Haven't I seen you in the adult diaper section of the supermarket before?"

4) "Underneath those soft brown eyes, your beutiful blond hair, behind thatshy facade, I'll bet there's a caring young woman who would like to dressup in a clown outfit and spank me with a cheese grater until 2am"

5) "I'd like to take you home with me....but first let's check in with myparole officier"

Things most often overheard in the parking lot of the local drug store:

1) Don't forget the plastic hangers, the ones with pleasure dots

2) Get the cheapest vodka you can, in the half-pint

3) Don't forget to say "hi" to June Allyson for me

4) Wait a minute I have coupon for that jar of Vaseline

5) I hope they don't look at the pictures they develop

Five words that sound dirty but aren't:

1) Dilsnick

2) pole

3) Winnebego

4) sphinx

5) willy

Five ordinary phrases or expressions that sound dirty but aren't:

1) "Gather 'round everybody, and watch me play my organ"

2) "Come taste our kosher dills"

3) "Dump the noodles into the strainer"

4) "All right, who let the cockatiel out of it's cage?"

5) "Go for it! Grab the pontoons Bill"

A recent study shows that married men handle stress better than single ones. Of course! They're used to it!  (Stan Kaplan)

"What's your sign?" and "Don't I know you from some where?" are still amongthe most popular pick-up lines overheard by bartenders these days, accordingto 1,001 Great Pick-up Lines. "Are we near and airport or is that my hearttaking off?" and "I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman onearth tonight" are a few more popular lines. Here's a list of pick-up linesthat didn't make the list:

1) "Are we near the airport or is that the smell of jet fuel?"

2) "I'm fighting the urge to make you the most frightened woman on earthtonight"

3) "Haven't I seen you in the adult diaper section of the supermarket before?"

4) "Underneath those soft brown eyes, your beutiful blond hair, behind thatshy facade, I'll bet there's a caring young woman who would like to dressup in a clown outfit and spank me with a cheese grater until 2am"

5) "I'd like to take you home with me....but first let's check in with myparole officier"

Calvin Kein is coming out with a cologne for dysfunctional people - it'sgonna be called, "Obsession-Compulsion".  Pete McRae

A recent surevy from the folks who make Halequin Romance Novels asked 600single men about dating. Biggest date turn-off? When she makes goo-goo eyesat other guys. Some others:

1) When she demands payment up front

2) When she asks, "Will I need to bring my own spitoon?"

3) When she comments, that's a nice looking shirt, it'll be even nicer whenit comes back in style

4) When half way through the date you realize she's making love to anotherman

5) When she talks endlessly about her jealous ex-boyfriend who's still inprison

Men and Women>

Top 10 things you'll never hear one woman say to another woman:

10. I wish he wouldn't waste all that money on chocolate and flowers andbuy something practical, like an iron.

9. I can't wait for the play-offs!

8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!

7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him withthe color choices!

6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiterwith a heart of gold any day!

5. He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.

4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.

3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.

2. Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introducemyself!

1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?

Top 10 things you'll never hear one guy say to another guy:

10. She'll never understand that sometimes I just want to cuddle.

9. Our team lost 10-1. But we tried our best, and after all that's the importantthing.

8. I'm deeply offended by young women who go braless.

7. You know what always makes me cry? Those long-distance commercials.

6. Want all my tools? I just realized I never do anything useful with them!

5. There's nothing I like more than a quiet evening at home, watching a movieon Lifetime about some woman who gives up her baby and then suffers miserably.

4. I think those big, jacked-up trucks look ridiculous.

3. I can't stop fantasizing about Dr. Ruth!

2. I'm tired of beer. What say you to a nice, fruity Chablis?

1. Does my butt look fat in this?

THOUGHTS ON MARRIAGE....

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. Asuccessful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage is a three ring circus:   engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

Why do married men gain weight while single men don't? A single man goesto the refrigerator, sees nothing that he wants, and goes to bed. A marriedman goes to bed, sees nothing he wants, and goes to the refrigerator.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it becausethe thief was spending less than his wife did.

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine'sstill alive."

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish andthrew in a penny.   The wife decided to make a wish, too.  Butshe leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband wasstunned for a while but then smiled, "It really works!"

A man asked his new wife if she would have married him if he hadn't inheritedall his money from his dad.   She said, "Of course dear. I'd have marriedyou no matter who you inherited the money from."

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.... It only seemslonger.

I haven't spoken to my wife for eighteen months.... I don't want to interrupther!

A man is incomplete until he's married...then he's finished.

THINGS WOMEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN.........

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house wasspotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell themapart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make somewoman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too oldfor it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblicaltimes men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "oh alright, I'll stay thenight."

Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have botheredto have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it meansyou laugh at his.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate tothe exalted status of a "former boyfriend".

There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both hismother.

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe - strong, caring, loving- they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

WAYS TO REJECT PICK-UP LINES

1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the STD Clinic."

2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"

Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

3. Man: "Want to Dance?"

Woman: "No, thank you."

Man: "Don't thank me, thank G-d somebody asked you."

4. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too.

5. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "Female impersonator.

6. A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where haveyou been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the firsthalf of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

8. Two young dudes are striding down the street and and one glances at agirl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What areyou looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were goodlooking. Man, was he was mistaken!"

9. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Money>

According to a survey by the William M. Mercer Inc. consulting firm, somepeople may see a bonus instead of a raise next year. Here's 5 responses Ireceived from my General Manager when I asked for a bonus:

1) Ya I got your bonus...right, here!!!!

2) And you are?

3) Gus, tell me another bedtime story, pretty please? Pretty please?

4) Security...security...

5) Sure, and bring your dog around and I'll give him a bonus too. ((Groucho))

A recent article in our local business section says inflation is going down,it's now easier to afford the things you can't buy.

Five signs that maybe your bank isn't on the level:

1) The bank president is Roger Clinton

2) All the bank tellers are wearing I'm with stupid T-shirts

3) When you open a new account, they give you a set of dishes that say, "Propertyof the Airport Marriott"

4) When cashing a check, instead of dollars they give you handfuls of smoothpebbles

5) They give you personal check with the words "insufficient funds" pre-stampedon the front

Old people>

You Know You're Middle Aged When... by G. Gaynor McTigue

* You're older than your dentist.

* It takes you two tries to get up from the couch.

* A telephone rings on the TV and you think it's yours.

* 90% of your dreams are reruns.

* You no longer say no to the lobster bib.

* The only "Stones" you're interested in these days are Kidney and Gall.

* Your computer has more memory than you do.

* You bring lawn chairs to outdoor concerts.

* People warn you about shoveling snow.

* You go from being a do-it-yourselfer to a hire-someone-elser.

* You don't have bad hair days; you have bad hair years.

AGE HAPPENS....

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctorinstead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one thatwill get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the onlything you care to exercise.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle)

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, yourlibrary card has expired. (M. Berle)

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I everdid. (Robert Benchley)

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way throughCongress.

As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and lesswe feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.

I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (GypsyRose Lee)

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parkinglot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so youdon't have to go along.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, andyou didn't do anything the night before.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news-- the good news is thatyou are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

A recent statistic in USA Today showed what senior citizens do to modifytheir homes. It found 18 percent replace faucets, 23 percent add lighting,and nearly 95 percent cover all the furniture with plastic.

Pets>

RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN....

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, standon hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door andpull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door isopened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside"door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. Thisis particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining orsnowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors mustbe avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly.If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are noOriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure youproject; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I.) Itis not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activityand the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping";humans are known to refer to it as hampering".

The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sitjust behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby standa better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriatemanner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most importantpart. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil orknitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember,the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make greathammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxesor Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to help! First,sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the sideof the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for thesecond time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure tojump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible infront of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs,when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When theyfirst get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving theircoordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more)of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat.  They willtry and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keepthem pinned.

The Top 16 Signs Your Cat May Be Planning To Kill You:

16. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

15. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.

14. He actually does have your tongue.

13. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.

12. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.

11. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.

10. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get afaint whiff of catnip.

9. Droppings in the litter box spell out "REDRUM"

8. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew lookingat me? Mew looking at me?"

7. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.

6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mousechased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.

3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.

2. You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" which says: "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."

And the Number 1 Sign Your Cat May Be Planning To Kill You....

1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.

A recent statistic in USA Today looked at how dogs react to strangers. Itfound that 70 percent are friendly, 14 percent hostile, 13 percent aloof,and 3 percent neurotic. (Interestingly enough, only 2 percent were foundmired in depression and filled with unrelenting self doubt.)

Politics

Five little known benefits of the North American Free Trade Agreement:

1) Pinata's, pinata's, pinata's

2) American National Curling League finally a reality

3) Discounts on Julio Iglasias albums and cassettes

4) Moosehead beer like there's no tomorrow

5) Let's just say this, back bacon: Breakfast, lunch, and dinner

The military now has a don't ask don't tell policy.  Ways to avoid suspicion

1) Don't ask a commanding officer if you can trade your drab cammoflaugeuniform for something a bit more "splashy"

2) While at the shooting range never yell "these guns scare me"!

3)Hide any copies of "Sweatin to the Oldies"

4)Try not to redecorate any of the barracks

5)Peel off your "kakki is tacky bumper sticker"

Postal workers>

The postal service hit a record 88% on-time record for first class mail.Postal workers also hit a record 75% of everything they shot at. (HecklersOnline)

How to screw-up a job interview at the post office:

1) You greet your interviewer with a friendly, hello!....I think you havethe

most beautiful eyes, I'd love to fill them with terror.

2) You list hobbies as bowling, golf, and staring at people until they panic

3) Your letter of recommendation is from a guy named "Chuck Manson"

4) Your resume' looks like a cut-and-paste ransom note

5) When asked by the interviewer where do you see yourself in 10 years youreply, "In the morning or the afternoon?"

The postal service is working on a rate proposal that could raise the costof a first class letter next year. The post office blames the rising costof business for the rate increase. (Higher costs for gasoline, employees,bullets.)

Potpourri>

Very Short Books

1) A Guide to Arab Democracies

2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman

3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

4) Career Opportunities for History Majors

6) Detroit - A Travel Guide

7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

9) Easy UNIX

10) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

11) Everything Men Know About Women

12) French Hospitality

13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years

14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel

15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

16) Mormon Divorce Lawyers

17) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

18) Popular Lawyers

19) Staple Your Way to Success

20) Tasty Bile Recipes

21) The Amish Phone Book

The Five least popular housing tract names:

1) "Questa Scum"

2) "Brooklyn West"

3) "The Charles Keating Signature Collection"

4) "The Ghetto-Villa's"

5) "Hunker Downs"

Top five reasons I like working here:

1) Everyone here has caught "Pig-Latin Mania"!

2) Greco Roman wrestling at lunchtime

3) Don't have to wait a half hour after eating to go swiming

4) Boss falls for "pull my finger" gag everytime

5) No charge for the petting zoo

The Space Shuttle is on another mission (1/13/96).  Here's a few SpaceShuttle bumper stickers:

1) "If this obiters rockin', don't bother knockin'"

2) Made in Japan

3) Astronauts do it in big, oxegenated, climate controlled suits

4) How about a little tang....if you know what I mean

5) Same ship, different day

(Mark Wheeler) 

Five least popular Jeopardy! categories:

1) Tito Puente

2) Small rubber devices that cause pain

3) Food that smells odd

4) Famous Ice Capades accidents

5) Things that tend to bind

An article in USA Today listed 20 of the most popular current children'sbooks. Here's a smaller list of the "least" popular children's books:

1) 'I'm Barney! I'm Purple! It's a Living Hell!'

2) "Jack the Beanstalker"

3) "Miss Nelson is Missing. Looks like a Mob Hit"

4) "The Grouchy Ladybug Enters a 12 Step Program"

5) "Gingerbread Boy, meet Mr. Oven"

Top Five words that when said in order sound nasty but really aren't:

1) Hot Link

2) Jimbrownski

3) Package

4) Member

5) Johnson

6) Snickers

7) Sword

8) Jimmy

9) Varmit

10) Slinky

What Sam Donaldson will do after he reveals he's actually from outerspace:

1) Start Prime Time Live with the words "attention earthlings"

2) See if Diane Sawyer want's to score with someone who's "out-of-this-world"

3) Make a fortune selling secrets of Star Trek transporter

4) Hide bald spot with a space age polymer, light years ahead of anythingon earth

5) Use secret powers to receive discounts at local adult book store

The President>

Hey kids! Here's today's Presidential Quiz: ((Read top to bottom))

Which is quicker?

a) A ray light traveling through outer space

b) The Japanese bullet train

c) The amount of time it takes President Clinton to spot the best lookingbabe at a press conference.

Which is more unpredictable?

a) The shifting winds of a hurricane

b) The San Andreas Fault

c) The actual number of "Big Mac's" President Clinton will consume in onesitting

Hillary Rodham Clinton has been ordered to mail any future  newly discovered law firm records to the Senate Whitewater committee, along with a stampedself addressed subpoena. (Jenny Church)

Hillary Clinton is getting to be the center of controversy concerning herrole in the Whitewater scandal...this kinda explains why she's changed herhairdo so many times in the last 3 years - she's trying out disguises forwhen she has to go on the lam.  (Pete McRae-WQWK-State College, PA)

David Letterman, on Hillary Clinton's crafts talents: "She made a beautifulholiday wreath out of shredded Whitewater documents."

David Letterman, on Bill Clinton's high favorability ratings: "He and hisadvisors are saying now that if it gets to 60, he's gonna start dating again."

Douglas Mortenson, on Republicans agreeing to the president's troop deploymentto Bosnia: "They had one condition. The troops have to be back in time tohelp him move."

Steve Tatham, on President Clinton's speech in London: "He invoked Agent007, introducing himself as Duck, Lame Duck."

Charlie Reinke, on the President signing a bill to repeal the 55 m.p.h. speedlimit: "He figures that now the moving van will be able to shave five hoursoff the trip back to Arkansas in January, 1997."

Paul Ryan, on the University of North Carolina teaching students how to besexually active while staying technically abstinent: "All they have to dois watch Bill Clinton. He keeps acting more and more like a Republican whiletechnically staying a Democrat."

President Clinton has revealed his campaign promises for 1996.  Herethey are:

1) Roger Clinton now Secretary of Defense

2) Has proposed adding the phrase "What you want is what you get at McDonald'stoday," to the bill of rights

3) He pledged the economy is his number one priority. His number 2 prioritywill be landing a date on MTV's Singled Out.

4) Free round drinks for everyone at participating "Hooter's" restaurants 

5) "Radar Love" new national anthem

A recent  Esquire poll of 1,000 women ages 18-25 asked who would be"Hotter in bed," President Clinton or Vice-President Gore. Twenty-six percentsaid Clinton, 67 percent said Gore. (Reached for comment President Clintonsaid, "Are these women blond or brunette?....")

Hillary Clinton's pet names for Bill:

1) "Lard Boy"

2) "Commander McCheese"

3) "Mr. Hillary Clinton"

4) "Goober"

5) "Big Mac breath"

Did you hear about this? They're going to start carving two more faces intoMount Rushmore...President Clinton.

Do you know what President Clinton says to Hillary when he wants to makelove? ("Honey, I'll be back in about an hour.")

Five bumper stickers seen on the back of Bob Dole's car:

1) Impeach Hillary!

2) Will Rodgers never met Bill Clinton

3) Socks for President

4) Don't blame me I voted for myself

5) Democrat in trunk

Ten places President Clinton shops for clothes:

1) Bob's Big Belt

2) Hat's Amore'

3) Fat Boy's Are Us

4) The Suit Summit

5) Don We Now Our Gray Apparel

6) Bubba's Big And Tall

7) Mr. Droopy Drawers

8) Chuck's Plus Sizes, Plus Two

9) Lefty's Pant's-O-Rama

10) Hat's My Boy!

Psychics:

Five signs that you're visiting a fake psychic:

1) When you're not looking, calls the Psychic Friends Network

2) Can predict lotto numbers for you after they've been announced

3) Asks Magic 8 Ball for advice

4) When you show her you palms she slaps you five

5) Has strange ability to predict tommorrows weather forecast

Sports>

Baseball feaver is sweeping the country. Here's a quiz. Which is bigger?

a) The lines at stadium bathrooms

b) The beer lines

c) The waistlines of the Philadelphia Phillies players

Obscure and little known boxing rules:

1) No postal workers, they're just to darn ornery and plum unpredictable

2) No pointing and laughing

3) No indian burns

4) Definately no skydivers

5) You must be prompt

The Super Bowl is a good reason for people to get together. A recent surveyof potential Super Bowl viewers indicates that threee out of four plan towatch the game in their own homes amid an average gathering of 4.6 people.The poll also found that if given the opportunity towatch the Super Bowlwith anyone at all - family, friends, sports stars and celebrities - 53 percentsaid family comes first. (Four point six people? I guess the "point six"is your brother-in-law.)

Here's a little superbowl tidbit. Super Bowl 5 in 1971, Baltimore vs. Dallasfeatured a record 11 turnovers. (And that was just John Madden at the pre-gamecontinental breakfast.)

Statistics>

A recent article in USA Today found that 90 million people in the unitedstates are illiterate. Twenty five percent can't speak English. Here's afew key questions to determine if you are illiterate:

1) Do you own or manage a convienience store?

2) Was your life shattered when "The Duke of Hazzard" went off the air?

3) Are you from Arkansas?

4) Have you ever considered pro wrestling as a viable career option?

According to scientists,a seasonal hole in the Antarctic ozone layer mayend up being bigger than ever this year. The ozone filters cancer-causingultraviolet sunlight; preliminary measurements show deterioration is as bador worse tha a year ago. (So kids! Dress for the rest of this week: A parka,a muffler and a lead umbrella.)

A recent statistic in USA Today, showed the breeding cycle of mosquitos.It showed how one female mosquito can reproduce in 2-week cycles. (Anotherstatistic from the animal kingdom.....the breeding cycle of Bruce Wills andDemi Moore.....9 Months, one day.)

Television>

Five rejected T.V. shows:

1) That's Not Oatmeal, That's Tile Caulking" (starring Wilford Brimley)

2) "Guess That Smell"

3) "Mas Loco Gringo's"

4) "Hell Bent for Sponge Like Objects"

T.V. Executives promised President Clinton they'd come up with a rating systemfor T.V. shows:

Soon, instead of having to watch the whole show, I'll know right up frontif there's any nudity.  (Jay Leno)

It's fairly simple.  Family entertainment will be labeled "G." Gratuitous sex and violence will be labeled "Fox."  (Alan Ray)

Five dark secrets of the Keebler elves:

1) They've stashed the bodies of the seven dwarfs in the treehouse freezer

2) Did a New Year's Eve drive-by at the Pillsbury Doughboy's house

3) "Elfin Loaves" contain more "Elfin" than loaf

4) Still can't explain disappearance of Grandpa Elf

5) Once, all the Elves got so drunk on cheap scotch they yuked until midnight

Talk of 500 channel cable systems are in the news again. The problem I havewith a 500 channel cable system is by the time you're done looking throughthe T.V. Guide for something to watch, the show is already over.

Five rejected signoff's from the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather:

1) "Good night from New York! Home of the Devil himself!"

2) "...Wishing you a pleasant tommorrow, at which time a space pod will rendevouswith me in New Jersey and leave you earthlings to fend for yourselves."

3) "....I'm Dan Rather, your love god givin good god love!."

4) "..And remember, If this studio's rockin', don't bother knockin'"

5) "I'm Dan Rather hoping later tonight you experience a warm tingling sensationin your pants."

How Dan Rather plans to boost the sagging CBS ratings:

1) Free beer for neilsen families

2) Change the name of the CBS Evening News to ABC World News Tonight

3) Dan will read the news through a bullhorn

4) Special nightly report: "Why the NBC Nightly News sucks"

5) Have Dan fitted with "Sam Donaldson Latex Party Ears"

A study reported in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences showsDNA can be delivered without complicated procedures. Modified DNA can helpthe body in many different ways. (Messing with DNA is really nothing new.Scientist's first experimented with the technology in the late 80s. I believeit's how the first cast of Baywatch was created.)

Terrorism>

Five little known facts about Yasser Arafat:

1) Towel on head great for picking up babes at the beach

2) Once had an imaginary friend named Pepe'

3) Almost no monthly shaving cream bill

4) Has secret Star Trek communicator under turban

5) Has rigged a bootleg satellite dish back home to pick up the "PlayboyChannel"

Western intelligence agencies say a loose alliance of outlaw nations whosponsor terrorism is coming together. The group includes Libya, Iraq, Iran,and Syria. However, Iraq and Iran are still bickering over who will be theofficial sponsor of terrorism for the 1996 summer Olympics.

Terrrorist bumper stickers:

1) Same Shiite different day

2) Hostage in trunk

3) Lose Kuwait now ask me how

4) So many factions so little time

5) I'd rather be impaling

The FBI is looking into reports that deranged, wacko, extreme fundamentalistterrorists are at this moment wandering the streets of New York City. Policesay the big problem?....they blend in.

Until next time>

QUESTIONS, ALWAYS QUESTIONS....

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If G-d dropped acid, would he see people?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why

isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyonejust move 10 miles away?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't goingas

ghosts but as mattresses?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? (that’s reallysick)

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

What do Bill Clinton and Dan Quayle have in common? Everything.

The Weather

How cold is it?  It's so cold:

Even Ted Kennedy won't go outside without pants. (Paul Ryan)

Richard Simmons was seen putting on a pair of long pants. (Bob Mills)

The only essential employee in Washington is one with a snow shovel. (PaulRyan)

Also in the news: Paul Ryan, on the frigid East: "It's so cold that peopleare tuning in C-SPAN just to get a blast of hot air."

Adds Jay Leno: "It was so cold, I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket."

Some material written by Mark Wheeler

E-mail us atfunnyfirm@AOL.com.