"Today, President Bush announced he's been mispronouncing the name ofIraq all along. He said it's actually pronounced Syria." —Jay Leno

"Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes forfavors, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under the table fromcontractors. You know what this means? The war is less than a week old, andalready they have an American-style democracy." —Jay Leno

"The Iraqis sat down for talks on how to put together a post-wargovernment. They would have sat down yesterday, but somebody stole all theircouches." —Jay Leno

"All of Iraq's oil fields are under U.S. control which is ironicconsidering all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners." —Jay Leno

"Now President Bush is saying Syria has weapons of mass destruction.Gee, I wonder where he is headed with this."  —David Letterman

"Now that the war with Iraq is over a lot of people want President Bushto focus on the economy. You know who really wants President Bush to focus onthe economy? Syria." —JayLeno

"A lot of people are really afraid that we're going to go to war withSyria. Syria is not Iraq. It is less dangerous, less of an enemy, has less of anarmy and less oil." —JayLeno

"The press keeps asking President Bush when will this war end? I thinkthe war will end officially the day after the 2004 elections. If President Bushlearned anything from his father it was don't end a war too soon." —JayLeno

"For the first time the people of Iraq are united. Today on CNN I saw aKurd, a Shiite and a member of the Republican Guard coming together to cart offa big screen TV." —Jay Leno

"French President Jacques Chirac called President Bush yesterday for thefirst time in two months in attempt to try to warm relations. He wants to find aFrench role in the reconstruction of Iraq. Now you know why France used to becalled Gaul." —Jay Leno

"Monica Lewinsky is hosting a new reality show for Fox starting nextweek. The show is called 'Mr. Personality,' where a woman will try to choosebetween 20 men who all have masks on and Monica Lewinsky offers datingadvice. Well, who better to offer advice on choosing a guy without seeinghis face than Monica Lewinsky." —Jay Leno

"CNN reports that when they broke in Uday Hussein's palace they foundpornography, cigars and pictures of President Bush's twin daughters. I'm sorry,that was Bill Clinton's apartment." —Jay Leno

"President Bush said this week that Slovakia has already offered theirhelp in de-mining Iraq. And listen to this — Exxon and Mobil have offeredtheir help in de-oiling Iraq." —Jay Leno

"Yesterday in downtown Baghdad they toppled a statue of Sean Penn." —DavidLetterman

"I don't care what they say about weapons of mass destruction. Iraq isjust a horrible place. Listen to what our troops have found over there: torturechambers, nerve gas, all-male country clubs." —David Letterman

"Technically, you're not paying taxes. According to the Bushadministration, your bank account is being liberated." —Jay Leno

"All over Baghdad, Iraqi looters have been breaking into banks andwalking out with millions of dollars in Iraqi money. As a result, they nowqualify for President Bush's tax cut." —Conan O'Brien

"We got one in the win column this week. Of course, questions remainabout this war: How long our soldiers will stay? How long before democracy takeshold? How long before those statues of Hussein turn up on eBay?" —BillMaher

"Governor Pataki in New York says he knows what to do. He said we shouldtake the toppled statues of Saddam Hussein, melt them down and put them in a newWorld Trade Center — to serve as a permanent reminder that America is acountry that cannot tell Arabs apart." —Bill Maher

"They're already dividing up Iraq: We get the leaded, Britain gets theunleaded, and France gets the restroom." —Craig Kilborn

"With 90 percent of the bombs in, MSNBC is officially calling the warfor the United States." —Jay Leno

"The annual White House Easter egg hunt is scheduled for next week.President Bush told reporters he still has no definitive knowledge where theeggs might be or if, in fact, they are alive or dead. Regardless, theadministration said they plan to spend $70 billion looking for the eggs and thennot find them." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "WeekendUpdate"

"The U.S. military has begun handing out decks of cards with pictures ofthe most wanted men in Saddam Hussein's regime. There are 55 cards and they'rehanding them out so people can identify them. Apparently, three Tariq Aziz cardswill get you a Pokemon." —Conan O'Brien

"The Bush administration is absolutely ecstatic, as you might expect,about the way things turned out this week. Ari Fleischer said the president'squote when he watched the events in Baghdad was, quote: 'Freedom's taste isunquenchable.' And then he later admitted that the new Iraqi government issponsored by Pepsi." —Bill Maher

"Congress had to get into the act. On Wednesday, they stopped work sothey could all gather together and sing 'God Bless America' waving littleAmerican flags. Of course, they were just happy they managed to get throughanother war without having to vote on it." —Bill Maher

"U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said he thinks the arms inspectorsshould resume looking for weapons in Iraq. Hey, forget arms in Iraq, how aboutlooking for some backbone in the U.N.?" —Jay Leno

"The government of Haiti has officially sanctioned voodoo as a religion.Meanwhile, here at home, the administration has sanctioned voodoo as an economicplan." —Jay Leno

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours,and the bad news is Iraq is ours." —David Letterman

"Did you see the Iraqi people tear down that statue of Saddam? Hard tobelieve he won 100 percent of the vote in the last election. Voters are sofickle, aren’t they? One day they love you, the next day, oh boy." —Jay Leno

"Al-Jazeera is claiming we shot two of their reporters on purpose. Oh,shut up. If we were shooting journalists on purpose, you think Peter Arnett andGeraldo would still be around?" —Jay Leno

"Did you see the looters on TV? You’ll notice there’s somethinguniversal about the human looting impulse; it’s the same all over the world —they go for the couches and the television sets first. And that’s the firststep toward winning their hearts and minds. You give a man a couch to sit in anda TV to watch, and he’ll be indoctrinated in the American way of life. Throwin a case of beer, you’ve got Homer Simpson." —Jay Leno

"There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad.Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and westernBaghdad." —Jay Leno

"We have an important decision to make now about who controls Iraq. Youknow, that's a critical question, because it's who we're going to be fighting infive to ten years." —Jay Leno

"And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into astrong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States." —DavidLetterman

"Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his pressconference today. ... However, he claims he was there and he said it went verywell." —David Letterman

"Yesterday the Iraqis and U.S. troops pulled down a giant statue ofSaddam Hussein. ... They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo." —DavidLetterman

"Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeingsomething that big in a beret go down." —Craig Kilborn

"We now have all of Saddam's palaces and residences; he has no place tolive. If Saddam thinks Bush was hard on him before, wait until he sees howRepublicans treat the homeless." —Jay Leno

"Iraqi citizens spent their first few hours of freedom taking part insome good old-fashioned taking stuff, helping themselves to varied items such aschairs and chairs and chairs. Apparently the biggest problem facing this newdemocracy — seating." —Jon Stewart

"The military said we'll be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNAtesting. Apparently we have a sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is workingfor the CIA?" —Jay Leno

"Tonight President Bush warned there are still pockets of resistance.There are still people fighting: Barbara Streisand, the Dixie Chicks, SusanSarandon." —Jay Leno

"It does not look good for Saddam Hussein and his sons. Yesterday webombed the restaurant where they were eating and today I went on the Internetand they were selling pieces of Uday and Qusay on eBay." —Jay Leno

"In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing SaddamHussein may have finally paid off. ... The bombs destroyed the area and leftbehind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedomhole." —Jon Stewart

"No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage ofhim on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do withDick Cheney." —David Letterman

"Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on SaddamHussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those thingseven need to explode?" —David Letterman

"Today at Saddam Hussein's funeral — I'm sorry that's tomorrow'sjoke." —Craig Kilborn

"Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing theirname to the Democratic Guard." —David Letterman

"As you know our forces have taken over Saddam Hussein's InternationalAirport and renamed it Baghdad International Airport. Is that the right name?Shouldn't they call it something more appropriate like the 'No Thanks To FranceOr Germany Airport?'" —Jay Leno

"Even though we have only controlled the airport for a couple of daysyou can already see the American influence. Since we took over, three airlineshave gone broke, the luggage has all been lost, and the pilots are all drunkalready." —Jay Leno

"Over the weekend U.S. troops found a huge cache of weapons at a highschool in Baghdad. You know what that means - their high school students arejust like our high school students." —Jay Leno

"The publisher of Hillary Clinton's memoirs, in which she received thelargest book advance in history, are worried she is way behind. It's suppose togo to printers next month, she hasn't sent them a manuscript or even given themthe title yet. But in her defense, fiction is a lot harder to write. ... To giveyou an idea of how far behind she is, she's only up to Clinton's 25th affair." —JayLeno

"Tonight again, Baghdad is without power and this has the Iraqi militaryvery worried. They say without TV and phone service, how are they going to getthe enemy position from Geraldo?" —Bill Maher

"This week was a great week because we finally saw smiles on the face ofthe Iraqi citizens who were being liberated. When we entered the city of Najef,our soldiers were greeted by ecstatic crowds. A reporter from the New YorkTimes asked one of the Iraqi citizens what the Americans would bring and thecitizen said, 'Democracy, whiskey, sexy.' I hate to break it to you pal, butClinton is not president anymore." —Bill Maher

"Monica Lewinsky has agreed to host a new Fox reality show called 'Mr.Personality.' Lewinsky says that this way when people ask her what's the mostdegrading thing she's ever done, she'll have a new answer." —Tina Fey, onSaturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked GeraldoRivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other peoplethat the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his twosons." —Jon Stewart

"Over the last several weeks, several of TV's so-called armchairgenerals, of which there are many, along with many of the Army's so-called realgenerals, have been openly critical of the U.S. military planning. DonaldRumsfeld's frustration with these critics boiled over at a press conferenceearlier this week. Rumsfeld said the only way you're going to be able to getpeople to believe something is true is if you print it up two million times anddrop it from airplanes." —Jon Stewart

"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, thenhe's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showedvideotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral." —David Letterman

"How am I supposed to trust the honesty of a reporter that has that badof a comb-over on top of his head? He's got four hairs left and he's swirlingthem around...This guy is dangerously close to pulling hair over from anotherguy's head. Hey guess what Pete? We know you're bald, okay? The outside of yourskull is as empty as the inside." —Dennis Miller, on Peter Arnett

"Critics of the media are saying that cable news anchors are hyping themedia too much and are acting like game show hosts. In fact, today Wolf Blitzerasked Donald Rumsfeld to phrase his war update in the form of a question."—Conan O'Brien

"Broadway producers are saying that because of the war, musicals aresuffering from weak ticket sales. Not only that, over at 'Les Miserables,' theFrench are refusing to take part in the revolution." —Conan O'Brien

"There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injuredwhen they tried to jump on our bandwagon." —Jay Leno

"Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn'tchanged his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say,is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob." —ConanO'Brien

"Here's what I did this morning. I get out of my bed and I do my Iraqielite Republican Guard exercises. Here's what you do: you put your hands overyour head and keep them there." —David Letterman

"White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said that while PresidentBush is monitoring the situation in Iraq, he is leaving the day-to-day decisionmaking to the military experts. First they kick Geraldo out, then we rescuedthat female soldier, now we find out Bush isn't making the decisions. No wonderthe stock market went up today." —Jay Leno

"Sources at the White House say that President Bush thinks he was calledby God to lead the country through this difficult time. Unfortunately, no onehas the courage to tell the president he wasn't called by God, it was a morningzoo dejay." —Conan O'Brien

"Saddam Hussein has said he will dance in the streets when the greatSatan America dies in the streets of Baghdad. I'm sorry. That was Peter Arnettthat said that." —Craig Kilborn

"Yesterday Geraldo Rivera was again asked to leave Iraq for giving awaysensitive information. ... Afterwards, Geraldo said I've never been so ashamedand I'm Geraldo." —Conan O'Brien

"Today Vice President Dick Cheney walked into the Oval Office and said,'You want to run things for a while?' And Bush said, 'Sure.' And then Cheneywent, 'April Fool!'" —Jay Leno

"According to the Pentagon we may be running out of things to bomb inBaghdad. Earlier today a cruise missile destroyed the Museum of Rubble." —DavidLetterman

"[Peter Arnett] gave an interview to Iraqi state run TV in which hecriticized U.S. war plans, complimented the Iraqi resistance, and said theAmerican battle plan was a complete failure. In fact, they said if he comes backto the United States, he could be charged with impersonating a Hollywoodcelebrity."  —Jay Leno

"Today a cruise missile blew up another part of Saddam Hussein'spresidential palace. Think about this, he's got yachts, he's got palaces, he'sgot luxury guards. No wonder why he's surrounded by the elite 'RepublicanGuard.' He's a Republican." —Jay Leno

"It's been reported that the Pentagon is trying to kick Geraldo Riveraout of Iraq because he revealed sensitive military information. Yeah, if Geraldois kicked out this means that Saddam Hussein will once again be the most hatedman in Iraq." —Conan O'Brien

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had a press conference at thePentagon. If you listen to him speak, it really makes you wonder what the f**khe's thinking. [Shows clip of Rumsfeld threatening to hold Syria and Iranaccountable for hostile acts against the U.S.] Do you see what he just didthere? We're in the middle of a war, and he's starting another war. We'realready fighting Iraq and he's like, 'Syria, you want a piece?' ...There isnothing like a cantankerous old man who takes a hey-you-kids-get-off-my-lawnapproach to foreign policy. The guy's literally just like drunk swinging abroken bottle at people. 'Hey Netherlands, you looking at me?'" —JonStewart

"NBC fired pinhead Peter Arnett. He gave an interview on Iraqitelevision criticizing the U.S. military and saying our battle plan was allwrong. The good news is, after he said that, today he was given an honoraryOscar." —Jay Leno

"Playboy magazine announced that they are going to support the troops by sending them emails from Playboy playmates. After hearing this the U.S. troops said 'Just our luck, we get emails from playmates, but we're embedded withGeraldo.'" —Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon said today they're sending another 100,000 troops into theGulf. We have 250,000 there and another 100,000 on the way — it's OperationGeorge Gone Wild." —Jay Leno

"President Bush saidthe other day the war is not about timetables. It's about winning. Hey, itworked in Florida." —Jay Leno

"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contractin Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without anycompetitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friendsprofiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'" —Conan O'Brien

"I watched people complaining that the war is taking too long, we shouldhave won this already. It's a week. That's what I love about our country,'American Idol' can take ten weeks to pick a bad singer, but the war..." —JayLeno

"It's week two of the war and you gotta feel for our guys. I mean theenemy is fighting dirty and they're not following the script. And they're notthe only ones who are not cooperating. President Bush said he is going to have aserious talk with Jesus about that sand storm." —Bill Maher

"The president had a press conference the other day and he insisted thatwe have a huge coalition, larger than the one we had in 1991. I'm not sayinghe's lying, but he would believe anything Dick Cheney tells him." —BillMaher

"It looks like they don't like us on TV, but you have to watch some ofthe other stories. I saw a story on an Iraqi/Kurd family who had so muchappreciation for what we did in 1991 that they named their kid Dick Cheney. I'mnot kidding. They have a little 11-year-old boy named Dick Cheney who is smart,brave, and gets along very well with his retarded brother Dan Quayle." —BillMaher

"This 24-hour live coverage of the war, 24-hours a day is pretty muchuncharted territory. They've never done this before, it was all time-lined. Thisis all new, and today CNN said that they have no idea how Wolf Blitzer willreact to a full moon." —Jay Leno

"As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered hissupplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting,then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel oursubscription." —Craig Kilborn

"The coalition of the willing continues to grow. It is now an impressivegroup of 49 countries. Here's the thing, only four of those countries areactually supplying military forces in Iraq. The other 45 countries were like,willing yes, but about the able." —Jon Stewart

"Much of Central America is in the coalition mostly because we alreadyliberated them repeatedly, vigorously and covertly, and believe me, they don'twant to go through one of those liberations again." —Jon Stewart

"On President Bush's flight down to Florida yesterday Air Force Onechanged the breakfast menu from french toast to 'freedom toast.' In furtherdisplay of patriotism, President Bush then promoted Captain Crunch to ColonelCrunch." —Conan O'Brien 

"Yesterday American and British troops handed out food to hundreds ofIraqis. Not surprisingly, the Iraqis handed the British food back." —ConanO'Brien

"Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited.Number one, don't list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, makesure you file on time. Number three, don't make any stupid anti-war speech atthe Academy Awards." —Jay Leno

"President Bush has promised to rebuild Iraq after he's done destroyingthe country. Now if we could get Governor Gray Davis to promise to rebuildCalifornia after he's done destroying it." —Jay Leno

"People on 5th Avenue today were lying down on the street blockingtraffic during rush hour protesting the war. To the people lying down on thestreet on 5th Avenue I just want to say that I am with you and I say that to youbecause after I ran you over, you might not have thought that." —JonStewart

"There are now reports that Saddam Hussein was injured in the initialU.S. bombing and he’s now receiving medical care in an underground bunker. Infact, he asked his doctors if he was going to live and they told him, "Ohyeah, absolutely, you’ll live – until the Americans get here ... thenyou’re screwed." —Jay Leno

"The government has already begun handing out contracts to corporationsto clean up and rebuild the country we haven't finished bombing yet. Forinstance, the army awarded a multi-million dollar contract to pay forextinguishing oil fires and repairing oil infrastructure. Who got it? ...Halliburton. Wait a minute, that name rings a bell - oh, I know, until 2000 itsCEO was Dick Cheney. Cheney, that rings a bell - oh, I know, he's the vicepresident. Well, on the bright side, I won my office pool." —Jon Stewart

"Today President Bush was seen on TV throwing a Frisbee with his dog onthe White House lawn. On Iraqi TV they said that the Frisbee missed the dog andhit an innocent civilian." —CraigKilborn

"President Bush announced today that we will rebuild Iraq after the war.Think that will happen? We still haven't rebuilt South Central after the riots." —Jay Leno

"The latest story is there might be Russians in Baghdad helping theIraqis jam our U.S. army weapons systems. Now that's nice to see — the OldEvil Empire giving a helping hand to the youngest member of the Axis of Evil,kind of a big brother program for dictators." —Jay Leno

"At he Vanity Fair Oscar party Tim Robbins came up to this WashingtonPost reporter and told him that if he ever wrote about his family he wouldhunt him down. ... In fact, Robbins would have beat him up right there but hehad to leave to go to a peace rally." —Jay Leno

"Michael Moore won an Oscar for best documentary, then he made someanti-war statements during his acceptance speech and got booed. He was reallymad when he was giving that speech. I haven’t seen him that angry since he wascharged for two seats on a Southwest airplane flight." —Jay Leno

"This just in, American troops have captured the southern portion ofMichael Moore." —Craig Kilborn

"Mr. Bush, shame on you! And any time you got the Pope and the DixieChicks against you, your time is up." —Michael Moore, in his Oscarsacceptance speech

"It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: The Teamsters werehelping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo." —Steve Martin, afterMichael Moore's Oscars speech

"Ratings at the cable news networks have shot through the roofs. ...Executives at MSNBC are thrilled and said 'It's been years since both of ourviewers tuned in.'" —Conan O'Brien

"I'm watching the TV to see if we've won yet and CNN was giving theweather in that area. ... Partly cloudy with a slight chance of Sarin." —JonStewart

"War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. Theywere going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells'OIL.'" —Jay Leno

"You know what they should call this war — Son of Bush vs. Son of aBitch." —Jay Leno

"Not only do we have the Iraqis on the run but today two of the 'DixieChicks' surrendered." —Jay Leno

"We are at war with Iraq, or as it's officially known in Washington,'Operation Enduring Wolf Blitzer.'" —Bill Maher

"There's now talk that the United States wants to spray the poppy fieldsof Afghanistan in an effort to destroy the drug crop before it can be harvested.If you thought Bush was unpopular in Hollywood before." —Jay Leno

"Missouri Congresswomen Karen McCarthy announced she will enter rehabafter she fell down drunk in Congress after a big vote. ... Who says women can'thold the same jobs as men?" —Jay Leno

"The Fox network has hired Monica Lewinsky to be the host of a newreality show. ... In this time of crisis wouldn't Monica be much more helpoverseas entertaining our troops?" —Jay Leno

"Did you see 'CSI: Miami' tonight? They drew a giant chalk outlinearound Iraq." —Craig Kilborn

"The Dixie Chicks angered country music fans last Thursday when leadsinger Natalie Maines told the audience, 'Just so you know, we're ashamed thepresident of the United States is from Texas.' If you'd like to hear more ofwhat Natalie Maines has to say, check out the new government wiretap on all ofher phones." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "WeekendUpdate"

"A lot of people are upset with the French right now. A man in NewJersey was in the news for buying a $1,000 bottle of champagne and then dumpingit in the toilet. The man's dog supports his position." —Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of thewilling. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain." —JonStewart

"The historic summit had many goals: Winning over the Security Council,protecting the populations of the three countries from terrorist attacks andminimizing civilian casualties. Which is why many were surprised to learn thatthe meeting lasted for one hour. In other words, a war that could destroy theglobal order and cast a region of the Earth into chaos was discussed for thesame amount of time it takes Lens Crafters to make you glasses." —JonStewart

"I'm watching TV today and it's nothing but 'We're going to war.Imminent war. Blah, blah blah.' But I'm watching the TV and I see that the stockmarket has gone up 300 points! How is that possible? The economy has been in thepooper for a year and a half. 'Oh, maybe we'll try lowering interest rates,maybe we'll try lowering prices, maybe we'll give a dividend tax cut'. This iswhat they've been waiting for? 'Oh, we're going to war? I'm in!' Is the head ofthe Dow Jones Yosemite Sam?" —Jon Stewart

"Saddam Hussein just issued 10 million in combat pay to pay for hisprivate army. This guy is spending money like there's no tomorrow, that's whathe's doing." —CraigKilborn

"I don't know if you've heard about this, but there are plans to turnthe United Nations building in New York into an Outback Steakhouse." —CraigKilborn

"The U.S. military exploded a new 21,000 pound megabomb — the largestnon-nuclear weapon in history — over Florida Tuesday. Minutes after theexplosion, Florida agreed to disarm." —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday NightLive's "Weekend Update"

"In protest of France's opposition to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S.Congress' cafeteria has changed french fries and french toast to 'freedom fries'and 'freedom toast.' Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased withthemselves, they all started freedom kissing each other. In a related story, inFrance, American cheese is now referred to as 'idiot cheese.'" —Tina Fey,Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"According to the New York Times, Saddam Hussein has mined allhis oil fields, planted bombs in all his major cities, he's got bombs in themilitary installations, in the airports, and he's mined all the governmentbuildings. There's not much left for us to do, really." —Jay Leno

"The Air Force dropped the biggest non-nuclear bomb ever on Florida. Fortwo reasons: to intimidate the Iraqi military and of course also to scare blacksaway from the polls." —Bill Maher, HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher

"The prime minister of Serbia was assassinated this week. Ari Fleischercalled this a tragedy, because, he said, 'We were this close to buying his vote.'" —Bill Maher

"Tony Blair, George Bush and the prime minister of Spain are going awayfor the weekend together in the Azores. Ari Fleischer described this summit asan effort to pursue every last bit of diplomacy. And he said, they thought aboutinviting the six undecided countries, but, he said, you know, f-ck them." —BillMaher

"On Sunday, the president flies to the Azores islands to attend a summitwith British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Aznar,and here's my prediction: Bush gets voted off." —Craig Kilborn

"The Dixie Chicks insulted President Bush at a concert and now DJs allover the country refuse to play their music. Here's my question: Can we get allcountry singers to insult President Bush?" —Craig Kilborn

"White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said today President Bush calledBritish Prime Minister Tony Blair this afternoon, as he does every day to makesure he's still in office." —Jay Leno

"According to the Pentagon today, secret surrender negotiations are nowunderway with key Iraqi military officials. That's what the Pentagon said: We'rein secret negotiations, so for God sakes, don't tell anyone. ... What we'redoing basically is giving these key Iraqi military officials instructions on howto surrender. See, this is where we could have used the French." —JayLeno

"The president boasted at the top of his press conference that we havethe support now of Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq. You know, when youwant to make it perfectly clear to the world that you're not an imperialist, thepeople you want in your corner are Britain and Spain." —BillMaher, HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher

"A lot of Americans right now are angry at the French. In Washington,the cafeteria where the members of Congress eat announced that they have changedthe name of 'french fries' to 'freedom fries.' Nothing like this has happenedsince the 1950s when 'russian dressing' changed to 'commie sauce.'" —ConanO'Brien

"I just want to say to the French, I don't need your permission, I'llbomb if I want to. ... Speaking of the French the House has renamed 'frenchtoast' and 'french fries,' 'freedom toast' and 'freedom fries.' So honey when Iget home tonight will you put on your freedom maid's outfit?"  —CraigKilborn

"The military announced this week they're planning to use trained sealions and seals to guard our ships in the Persian Gulf. That's when you know wedon't have any allies, when you have to turn to other species.... They're goingto use sea lions to guard the ships and dolphins to locate the mines. In fact,you know the only animal that won't help us, the French poodle." —JayLeno

"While attention has been focused on war with Iraq, our military hasbeen focused on an enemy much closer to home. That's right people. At 11:15a.m. yesterday the United States of America attacked Florida. I'm sure ourgovernment tried every diplomatic solution, but as rough as this is, let's faceit, Florida had it coming. I mean honestly, Elian, the 2000 election, theEverglades." —Jon Stewart, on the military dropping the new MOAB bomb (nicknamed the "Mother of All Bombs") on a test-range inFlorida

"Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000pounds and it is guided by a GPS system. Isn't that an SUV? ... The Air Forcetested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25French tourists surrendered." —Jay Leno

"Do you know why they tested this bomb in Florida? It's conditions arealmost identical to the ones in Iraq. Florida is full of people who don't speakEnglish, lots of sand, warm climate, and, of course, in Florida they don'tbelieve in fair elections either." —Jay Leno

"Good news for Iraq. There's a 50 percent chance that President Bushwill confuse it with Iran." —Craig Kilborn

"The Motion Picture Academy said today that if war breaks out, there's agood chance the Oscars will still be presented. So that means the war could beover before the Academy Awards ceremony is." —Conan O'Brien

"All Iraq has to do is get rid of its conventional weapons, disclose thelocation of its biological, chemical and nuclear weapons and destroy them . . .by Monday. If Iraq has weapons of mass destruction it would have to use weaponsof mass destruction to destroy them . . . by Monday. But if it does that, itwould be an admission that it has weapons of mass destruction, which would begrounds for war." —The Daily Show's Stephen Colbert, explaining whetherwar can be averted

"Looks like Bush may soon be getting rid of one world leader, of courseit is Tony Blair." —Jay Leno

"President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support thewar with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'Iknow you're there, pick up, pick up." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush spent the day calling names he couldn't pronounce incountries he never knew existed." —Jay Leno

"President Bush found out something this week. Between the countries ofCamaroone, Chile, Angola and Syria, Angola plays the best music when they putyou on hold." —Craig Kilborn

"I just want to say to the French girl who wrote off our date tonight,'I am prepared to go it alone.'" —Craig Kilborn

"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular." —Jay Leno

"The Pentagon is taking dozens and dozens of lawyers to the Persian Gulfto act as legal advisors. Sometimes you have to fight evil with evil." —Jay Leno

Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?" on the women'sgroup protesting the war by advocating withholding sex: "All this time, mywife was a peacenik!"

"As you all know we're about to start March Madness. That's NCAA collegebasketball tournament when they start with 64 teams and you whittle them down tojust one, you know kind of like our allies." —Jay Leno

"Mexico is still not with us. Mexico said that they don't believe thatwe have a right to go to Iraq. Believe me, if there's one rule Mexico's adamantabout it's respecting another country's border." —Jay Leno

"Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of theIraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actuallytell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is." —JonStewart

"Self-righteous China also said today they are against the use of force. . . unless it's by a tank against a college student in Tiananmen Square." —JayLeno

"How many watched Bob Dole and Bill Clinton on '60 Minutes?' It was sostrange because I'm used to Hollywood actors debating the issues so it was weirdto see two people who know what the hell they're talking about. ... I guessexperts gave Dole the edge in foreign affairs while Clinton had the edge inextra-martial affairs." —Jay Leno

"President Bush agreed today to allow more weapons inspectors in Iraq.As I understand he has 250,000 of them ready to go." —JayLeno

"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into threeparts ... regular, premium and unleaded." —JayLeno

"I'm glad you all recovered from the president's press conference lastnight. Did you see that press conference? I don't want to say there's nothingnew there, but at one point the closed captioning actually said 'blah, blah,blah, blah, blah.' ...The president was so subdued and there were so many longpauses, the Washington Post suggested today that he may have been ondrugs. Apparently we are seeing the side effects of a powerful codeine-basedsmirk inhibitor." —Bill Maher, HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher

"Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blix told the U.N. today that Baghdad iscooperating or, to put it in terms that Fox News viewers can understand, HansBlix told the U.N. today that Baghdad is not cooperating." —Bill Maher

"It was reported that two of Osama bin Laden's sons were apprehended inAfghanistan, but President Bush is not gloating, he said he knows howembarrassing it is when your kids get arrested." —Bill Maher

"March 17th is now our date for war. [Bush] had twelve years to chose aday and he choose St. Patrick's day which all but guarantees that on the day wego to war, people in the United States will be partying in the streets." —JonStewart

"Bob Dole and Bill Clinton did a point/counterpoint segment on '60Minutes' and both of them brought their own sponsors. Bob Dole of course hadViagra and Clinton had Dupont Stain Master Carpets." —JayLeno

"President Bill Clinton faced off with 1996 challenger Bob Dole as '60Minutes' revived the old 'Point/Counterpoint' format for a discussion on currentevents. You know watching the debate brought back a lot of old memories for meof me shutting off my television. The segment proved to be far more popular thanthe debate Andy Rooney had with himself on the exact date that he lost hismind." —Craig Kilborn

"Turkey has voted not to allow U.S. troops into their country and SaddamHussein said 'You can do that?'" —JayLeno

"President Bush still trying to get the support of Mexico if we go towar with Iraq. Not so much as a fighting force, but as advisers to teach us howto slip over the border at night." —JayLeno

"Earlier today Britain proposed giving Saddam Hussein until St.Patrick's Day to disarm. Apparently, if Iraq doesn't disarm by St. Patrick'sDay, they'll fly over and throw up on them." —Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton and Bob Dole will appear in a series of televised debateson '60 Minutes.' The debates will serve to remind Americans of what real leaderssound like when they talk" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's"Weekend Update"

"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend.See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, hegets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then, he declares war." —JayLeno

"'60 Minutes' is hiring Bill Clinton and Bob Dole to do apoint-counterpoint segment where they debate two sides to an argument. Why doyou need Dole? Clinton likes to waffle, he can do both sides. ... I feel bad forLeslie Stall. She spent half the day trying to keep Clinton off of her and theother half of the day trying to avoid Dole telling her how Viagra works. ... Iguess Dole is doing a lot of TV. He signed a deal with CBS and next month he'sgoing to play a corpse on CSI." —JayLeno

"A lot of students around the country protested the war today. TheNational Youth and Student Peace Coalition sponsored an anti-war organizationcalled 'Books Not Bombs.' President Bush said, 'Why do you want to drop books onthem?'" —JayLeno

"CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator SaddamHussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It'snot so bad.'" —Conan O'Brien

"One of the interpreters hired by CBS for the Dan Rather/Saddam Husseininterview adopted a phony Arabic accent. You know, maybe CBS should have hiredsomebody with a fake Dan Rather accent to ask tougher questions." —JayLeno

"You know the saddest thing about that interview with Saddam Hussein? Heactually came off more normal than Michael Jackson and Robert Blake." —Jay Leno,on Dan Rather's "60 Minutes" interview with Saddam Hussein

"American tourists in Paris are reported to being yelled at, spit upon,and attacked by the French. Thank God things are getting back to normal." —JayLeno

"Terrorist mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed has been arrested. He hasbeen described as the CEO of al Qaeda. See, that's two things to be happy about.Not only did we arrest a high-ranking member of al Qaeda, we also get to torturea CEO." —Jay Leno

"You know how we get this guy to talk? Remember all of that duct tapewe've been hoarding? Apply it to his back hair and rip it off." —JayLeno, on the capture of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed 

"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be adisservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac."—Dennis Miller, ranting on the Tonight Show With Jay Leno

"If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign thatsays, 'Bush Is Hitler,' forget the peace thing for a second and beat hisass." —Dennis Miller, on the Tonight Show With Jay Leno

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we foundtruffles in Iraq." —Dennis Miller

"My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for the weekend. So, I tookher down the street to the local Texaco." —Jay Leno

"Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as$80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free." —Jay Leno

"Thursday, Bush made a speech in prime-time when most people arewatching 'Friends.' Most people didn’t notice because Bush reminds them ofJoey." —Conan O'Brien

"The bad news is that North Korea has restarted its nuclear reactors, sowe know that they could soon have a nuke that could hit the west coast here inCalifornia. The president has said that this is still not a crisis because wedon't have one that could hit a red state." —Bill Maher, HBO's RealTime With Bill Maher

"Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. PresidentBush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention,I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case underthe floorboards.'" —Bill Maher

"Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get outof Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Thenthe Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.'" —ConanO'Brien

"President Bush and National Security Guard Tom Ridge launched the newDepartment of Homeland Security, just 24 hours after taking us down to threatlevel French — I'm sorry, I mean threat level yellow." —Craig Kilborn

"The government now figures the cost of winning this whole Iraqi warwill be about $320 per citizen. Of course, that's just for your basic war; ifyou want your deluxe trim package — you want your tanks, your stealth bombers —that'll be a few extra bucks more." —Jay Leno

"Iraq has agreed in principle to destroy their missiles. You know whythey say in principle? It sounds a lot better than in your dreams." —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcherof Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language." —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein in his interview with Dan Rather said he would ratherdie than leave his country in exile. Finally, something we can agree on, he'drather die and we'd rather kill him." —Jay Leno

"Plans for the new regime in Iraq after the war bog down as no one inthe administration can come up with a democratic model." —MichaelFeldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?"

"Saddam Hussein has given an exclusive interview to Dan Rather for '60Minutes' in which he said he has 'no intention of leaving, stepping down orgoing into exile.' He said he would rather die than leave. Just like the cast of'60 Minutes.'" —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein sat down for his first interview in 12 years with DanRather for '60 Minutes.' By the way, the interview is brought to you by'Dictator Strength Just For Men Mustache Gel.'" —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush has called for the end of the marriage tax callingmarriage a 'sacred institution recognized by God and man.' Wow, this guy can'tstop slamming the French." —Craig Kilborn

"Did you know 'Iraq' is Arabic for 'Vietnam?'" —Jay Leno

"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and thatdemocracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have agood health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can'teven get this in Florida." —Jay Leno

"Georgia Senator Zel Miller is very upset with CBS for doing a realityshow called 'The Real Beverly Hillbillies.' It's about a poorer, middle class,rural family moving into a big mansion. Didn't we do that already? It was called'The Clintons.'" —Jay Leno

"Today Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge lowered the terror alert fromorange to yellow. Does anybody need 16 miles of duct tape?" —CraigKilborn

"On February 26, this Wednesday, anti-war protesters are organizing amillion-modem march. This is where they want people to fax their congressmanwith their protests. How lazy are we getting in this country? We used to marchup and down with signs. Now people sit at home and eat bon bons, 'Can I just faxit in?'" —Jay Leno

"In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bushto a live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is asecond language to both of them." —Jay Leno

"Dan Rather interviewed Saddam Hussein in Baghdad. This Hussein is aweird guy but fascinating. In the interview, Hussein claims he's only had twonose jobs. During the interview, he also said he thought Bruce Springsteenshould have won album of the year." —David Letterman

"President Bush has delivered a new resolution to the U.N. saying thatSaddam has failed to cooperate with U.N. resolutions, freeing us to get our waron. Don't mess with us France, or we'll send Jerry Lewis to Iraq as a humanshield." —Craig Kilborn

"They told us to buy duct tape and portable radios so that if the worlddoes end, we can all listen to Rush Limbaugh blame it on Clinton." —BillMaher, HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher"

"Bulgarian pimps have been moving armies of prostitutes across Europe toawait the arrival of US troops. Hey, that's more than the French are doing forus." —Jay Leno

"Colin Powell aims to help the resolution's chance by traveling to 15different countries to meet with their U.N. representatives. Then, at the end,he'll decide which one to marry." —Craig Kilborn 

"The Mustang Ranch was recently seized by the federal government. Theyhad some tax problems and so now the government owns it. Well, they don't knowwhat they are supposed to do with a former whorehouse. I was thinking, how abouta branch of the Clinton library?" —David Letterman

"Are you ready for some exciting news? Dick Gephardt is running for president —all right, settle down. Gephardt ran once before for president in 1988, but hewas no match for the irresistible charm and charisma of Michael Dukakis." —DavidLetterman

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN towage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of theAmerican voters to become president, either." —David Letterman

"Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottledwater and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what HomelandSecurity Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker." —DavidLetterman

"According to the Associated Press, there's a rumor that Saddam Husseinis now hiding weapons in schools. When asked why, Saddam said, Because a schoolis the last place President Bush will look." —Conan O'Brien

"The road to war with Iraq may be taking a detour as Turkey is nowdemanding $30 billion from the U.S. in exchange for allowing us to use theirbases. But without those bases our bombers won't be able to reach France." —CraigKilborn

"Let's recap the negotiations: The U.S. offered $30 billion , Turkeywants $36 billion, and today the US came back with its final offer: We're usingyour bases." —Craig Kilborn

"The state of Nevada is now going to start taxing prostitutes. Talkabout embarrassing, today I was written off as a business loss." —CraigKilborn

"A group of wealthy Democratic donors are trying to start a liberalradio network which will feature 14 hours of daily commentary. The only questionthat remains is, Can Phil Donahue talk for 14 consecutive hours?" —JimmyFallon, Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update

"American troops are headed to the Philippines to disrupt a Muslim rebelgroup there and get back to what they should be doing: Making Nikes forAmericans." —Bill Maher, HBO's "Real Time With BillMaher" 

"The bidding for Turkey is still at $26B to let us deploy our troopsthere. Now, Joe Lieberman came out today, and he said, not to criticize thepresident, but that's what happens when you let the gentiles do thehaggling." —Bill Maher, HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher"

"If it's OK with the White House press department, we'll be back nextweek not watching what we say." —Bill Maher, HBO's "Real Time WithBill Maher"

"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go inreverse. Tanks that only go in reverse — they've been repackaged and sold toFrance." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of Americanopposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voterswho supported [him] by voting for Nader." —Jon Stewart, on anti-warprotests

"President Bush said protestors will not stop him from going to war.Well, duh, losing the popular vote didn't stop him from being president." —JayLeno

"As you know the French continue to resist the war in Iraq or even helpus and now Bill Clinton has come out against the French. In fact today he saidhe has vowed not to French Kiss anybody." —Jay Leno

"Dick Gephardt announced his candidacy for president. Gephardt now plansto look for a running mate or as he put it: 'The alcohol to my sleeping pills.'" —ConanO'Brien

"Gephardt said even though he and the other Democratic candidates havedifferent views they all will give the same concession speech." —CraigKilborn

"What you should do is take the plastic sheeting and duct tape it overthe TV." —Michael Feldman, on public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?"

"The president has a lot of troubles these days. Everyone's getting madat him left and right. Atheist groups are getting more mad at him because he'sbeen using more and more references to Christianity in his speeches. In fact ithappened this morning, he said, 'Jesus, look at all those big words.'" —ConanO'Brien

"Remember at the beginning of the week how members of Congress said theywanted to boycott French products? Well France is now fighting back. They saidfrom now on we can no longer film any of our cheesy reality shows at theirchateaus in their country side." —JayLeno

"Tom Ridge now says we don't have to run out and put plastic sheets allover the house. Great, tell that to my dead parakeet." —Craig Kilborn

"As you know our Allies of Evil are not being helpful with this Iraqisituation. With all due respect I think President Bush is handling thissituation all wrong  What Bush should do is send someone the French reallyrespect, like Jerry Lewis." —JayLeno

"You gotta feel bad for President Bush. He's really fed up with theU.N.'s foot dragging. He's very frustrated because he wants to attack Iraq andwipe them out before his one-term presidency is up." —David Letterman

"In Chappaqua, there was so much snow up there, Clinton's internactually went down on a toboggan." —David Letterman

"North Korean President Kim Jong Il said at his birthday celebrationthat his people should burn with hatred against America. Today the French said'You know we can help you with that.'" —JayLeno

"With the big blizzard, everyone forgot that yesterday was Presidents'Day. Next Monday, it's a special holiday devoted to the Bushes — One-TermPresidents' Day." —David Letterman

"Two feet of snow fell in Washington, which is unusual. The good news isthat between the federal holiday yesterday and the Bush economic plan, no onemissed any work." —JayLeno

"New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libyawith 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him orgive him a tax cut." —Craig Kilborn

"We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today thateveryone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect yourhouse in event of terrorist attacks. Who came up with this idea? MacGyver?" —JayLeno

"There's a new tape from Osama bin Laden saying he's going to martyrhimself this year. Let's hope he has better luck killing himself than we've had." —DavidLetterman

"We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of massdestruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There'sjust one problem — it's in North Korea." —Jon Stewart

"In the latest tape, bin Laden has called for the destruction ofAmerica, opposition to the war in the Middle East and labels our government anevil crusader. Oh, that's not bin Laden. I'm sorry. That was the president ofFrance." —JayLeno

"Some members of Congress are so upset with this thing with France thatthey want to impose trade sanctions against French products. They want to banFrench products like Evian. You thought Hollywood celebrities were against thewar before." —JayLeno

"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But thedoctors did tell him it would several months before he could be sexually activeagain. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. JoeLieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offerprayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she waslonely." —JayLeno

"The federal government said today if you're caught outside near theexplosion of a radioactive bomb, do not panic. Lie down on the ground and coveryour head and if you can stay in this position for 14.2 million years, you'll befine." —JayLeno

"As we all know, if you watched TV yesterday, Osama bin Laden droppedhis new album yesterday. I gotta tell you, he had a lot of time to do it, and itshowed very little growth, quite frankly. As an artist, I think he's over." —JonStewart

"Why does listening to John Ashcroft make me feel like the world hasalready ended? If we're going to be warned about terrorism, can't it be bysomeone who actually makes us want to live?" —Jon Stewart, on Ashcroft'sannouncement that America's terror alert level had been raised from yellow toorange

"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid ofSaddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies,housing, education – anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finallycomes up with a domestic agenda – and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring thathere if it works out." —Jay Leno

"The Department of Homeland Security recommends a three-day supply ofwater consisting of one bottle per day for each person in your home. Plus oneextra bottle to give you all something to kill each other over on dayfour." —Jon Stewart

"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq.With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" —JayLeno

"We're on an orange alert and it's really paying off. They rounded upthat stoned Dell guy." —David Letterman

"It's fashion week in New York and the city is on lavender alert. Youcan tell it's fashion week in New York. Today on the subway some guy measured myinseam." —David Letterman

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actuallyconsider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'mthinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right throughParis with the German flag." —David Letterman

"President Bush is once again getting tough with Iraq. He said today wehave to stop Saddam Hussein from playing hide-and-seek with his weapons. Hey, wecan't even stop Michael Jackson from playing hide-and-seek with hisweapons." —JayLeno

"The latest word is that Saddam Hussein is now creating a buffer zone inNorthern Iraq to defend against a northern invasion. Experts say if he'ssuccessful this could extend the length of the war by up to seven minutes." —JayLeno

"Earlier today the Department of Homeland Security raised the securitylevel from yellow to orange or as they explained it to President Bush theychanged the colors from Bert to Ernie." —Conan O'Brien

"I'm hoping they don't raise the alert to the top, which is just a blacksquare that says 'soil yourself.'" —Craig Kilborn

"The U.S. is now offering safe haven for Saddam Hussein and his familyif he wants to go into exile. It's the same deal the Democrats gave to AlGore." —David Letterman

"We have a program reminder from CBS. The War with Iraq premieresimmediately following 'Becker.'" —David Letterman

"This week the Pentagon released a 380 billion dollar budget this yearthat does not include any money for a war with Iraq. According to Pentagonofficials, if President Bush wants a war he'll just have to get a summer job andpay for it himself." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's"Weekend Update"

"After Colin Powell's presentation to the U.N. Security Council showingevidence of Iraqi biological weapons, Baghdad called the satellite photosnothing different than a cartoon film. They were undoubtedly referring to thepopular Iraqi cartoon show, 'Anthrax the Squirrel and the Mobile Laboratory FunBunch.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "WeekendUpdate"

"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget createsa 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, lookover there, it's Saddam Hussein.'" —Craig Kilborn

"Secretary of State Colin Powell addressed the United Nations SecurityCouncil, offering a compelling 90-minute presentation that not only furtheredhis case but reminded the world why America is second to none in the field of PowerPoint." —Jay Leno

"Powell told the Security Council that the Iraqis are very cunning whenit comes to hiding weapons of mass destruction, and then he showed themsatellite photos of a camel with a hallowed out hump." —David Letterman

"Colin Powell was at the U.N. talking to the Security Council. He wasvery effective and made a pretty strong case. However, he still could notconvince France, Russia, or Sean Penn. ... Colin Powell gave a thoroughpresentation. He even had proof that Saddam Hussein bet on baseball." —David Letterman

"Iraqi intelligence is still confused on how we intercepted calls onphones made out of coffee cans and string." —Craig Kilborn

"Earlier this evening former President Bill Clinton appeared on stagewith the Rolling Stones at the Staple Center. At one point, Bill Clinton askedMick Jagger to dedicate the song, 'I Can't Get No Satisfaction,' toHillary." —Jay Leno

"According to a new study, bad economic times can actually be good foryou because people tend to exercise more and eat better. This is not arecession, this is the Bush Health Care Plan." —Jay Leno

"In today's New York Post a man who went to Oxford with formerPresident Clinton claims that at the time both he and Clinton dated a woman whoturned out to be a radical lesbian. After hearing this, President Clinton said,'Yeah, but only one of us married her.'" —Conan O'Brien

"The number two Republican in the Senate, Mitch McConnell underwentheart surgery last week. He's doing fine. Nothing was actually wrong with hisheart, it's just that whenever a Republican is elected to a leadership position,they have to have their heart bypassed." —Jay Leno

"It seems a lot of our soldiers are giving their sperm and then freezingit before they go off to war with Iraq. See, the good part about this is theyare building up their hand-to-hand combat skills." —Jay Leno

"They are trying to get that crazy guy Saddam Hussein into exile. Sofar, the only offer he has is two weeks on Sean Penn's couch." —DavidLetterman

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because hehates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French,people." —Conan O'Brien

"The military has a plan to make it impossible for Iraq to know theexact time that we'll invade. Here's what we're going to do, a cable company isgoing to attack them between nine and four." —Craig Kilborn

"A lot of U.S. servicemen are having their sperm frozen before going offto a possible war with Iraq. You know what this means, people? A guy in the armydid more before 9 a.m. than I did all day." —Conan O'Brien

"The school does not need 'regime change'" —Bart Simpson, writingon the blackboard at the beginning of The Simpson's Feb. 2 episode

"The state of Texas executed its third prison inmate this week. Thisweek. In fact, they don't even have a last meal anymore, now it's abuffet." —Jay Leno

"Following Bush's speech came the Democratic response,which this year was given by Washington Governor Gary Locke because Wisconsin'sAlderman Eugene Slasinski was busy." —Jon Stewart

"A record number of Americans watched President Bush's speech the othernight. Well, sure they watched it, it's not like they had jobs to go to the nextday." —Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton said he enjoyed the speech, not thecontext of it, just the fact he knew where Hillary was going to be for exactlyone hour." —Jay Leno

"I guess you know last night all the major networks carried thepresident's address including Fox, which surprised me because they called thespeech 'George Billionaire.'" —Jay Leno

"Several European countries are criticizing President Bush becauseduring his speech last night he didn't use the word Europe once. In his defensethe President said, 'I didn't use any words that begin with the letter Y.'" —ConanO'Brien

"I read today that the president was interrupted 73 times by applauseand 75 times by really big words." —Jay Leno

"All of the major networks aired the State of the Union address, but NBCgot the highest ratings. After the speech, NBC viewers said 'It was a goodspeech, but Martin Sheen looked horrible.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Only one of nine Supreme Court justices showed up for President Bush'sState of the Union address Tuesday night. When asked why they didn't make it theother justices said, 'Hey we made the guy President, what more does he want fromus?'" —Conan O'Brien

"To sum up Bush's tax breaks, it's good if you're a real millionaire,it's bad if you're Joe Millionaire." —Craig Kilborn

"Next month Saddam Hussein plans to answer back in the State of theCrater speech." —Craig Kilborn

"I just finished watching 'Confessions of a Dangerous Mind' tonight.That's right, President Bush's State of the Union address." —CraigKilborn

"Earlier this evening President Bush gave his State of Delusion address.Very upbeat, he said other than the economy, health care, education, crime andthe war, we're in great shape. We got nothing to worry about. We're rolling.Actually this was a critical one for the president. They said he worked harderon this one than anything he's ever done before. In fact he worked day and partof the afternoon and then he went and cleared some brush." —Jay Leno

"The latest rumor is the United States is working behind the scenes totry to find a 'safe haven' for Saddam Hussein. See if he agrees to step down andleave Iraq, we will relocate him. What a nightmare, where are you going to senda guy who thinks America is a nest of greedy imperialists intent on bleeding thethird world of all their resources? I mean, besides Berkeley?" —Jay Leno

"Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form ofaffirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because hisfather was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is amenace and must be stopped." —Jon Stewart

"Russia and China are joining France and Germany in opposition to whatthey say is turning into war by President Bush. See, that's how smart Bush is.He's bringing the world together, he's a uniter not a divider." —JayLeno

"Russian President Vladamir Putin called President Bush this weekend andurged him to give U.N. weapons inspectors more time. President Bush agreed todelay the attack and then he winked so hard you could hear it over thephone." —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Gary Hart announced he's going to run for president again. Now if youdon't Gary Hart, Gary Hart is the Democrat who cheated on his wife with a skinnygirl." —Jay Leno

"President Bush announced Wednesday that his administration wouldchallenge an affirmative action program at the University of Michigan, callingit fundamentally flawed. It's nice to know that while juggling Iraq, North Koreaand economic reform, the president still has time to stick it to the blackman." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"This week officials from France, Russia and Germany accused PresidentBush of having a fondness for war. Yeah, when asked about it, a spokesman forBush said, 'It's a one syllable word, of course he's fond of it.'" —ConanO'Brien

"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a badmovie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going tohell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?" —JayLeno

"Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicidewhen they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know you have a bad army,when your only hope for victory is that the enemy's troops killthemselves." —Jay Leno

"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thingclear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline." —Jay Leno

"U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, thequestion everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?" —JayLeno

"The Bush administration says it will file a brief with the SupremeCourt over the University of Michigan's affirmative action policy, saying it'swrong to determine acceptance based on race. Bush said acceptance should bebased on fair things like what private school you went to, who's your dad, howmuch money you gave to the alumni fund." —Jay Leno

"Five years ago President Bill Clinton said I did not have sex with thatwoman. Or, as we refer to it here, the golden age of comedy." —DavidLetterman

"There was a big grease fire at Al Sharpton's office today. Apparently,his hair got too close to the space heater." —Jay Leno

"President Bush has declared Sunday to be National Sanctity of HumanLife Day. He said we have to protect the weak, the imperfect and the unwanted.But first, we have to give tax cuts to the rich." —JayLeno

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped another five points justin the last week. It's now down to 58 percent. I'm not sure who should be moreworried, Bush or Saddam Hussein." —Jay Leno

"This is kind of a weird deal because President Bush's approval ratingswas like 100, 110% and all of a sudden it is starting to slide. It's down to 58%and you know what I'm thinking and I'm no political expert, political pundit,but what I'm thinking when I start to see that old approval rating starting toslip, you know what I'm thinking? Time for a sex scandal." —DavidLetterman

"Over the weekend, outgoing Illinois Governor George Ryan pardoned thedeath sentences of 154 inmates. Not to be outdone, California Governor GrayDavis is giving Hollywood celebrities one free vehicular manslaughter." —ConanO'Brien

"Tonight, Joe Lieberman will be joining us. You may remember him as theman who came this close to losing the vice presidency in 2000. But he won, sonow he's not vice president." —Jon Stewart

"Senator Joe Lieberman has announced that he's going to run forpresident. The man is so dull, they're already talking about replacing him withFrank Lautenberg." —Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval ratings are at 58 percent and they keepdropping a little bit at a time. Here's the difference, President Clinton, hisapproval ratings never went down. Now, his interns on the other hand." —DavidLetterman

"If Lieberman wins, he won't be the first Jewish-American to hold thepresidency in his hands. That was Monica Lewinksy." —JayLeno

"They say the guy on the Joe Millionaire show is only worth $19,000.Well, that's not true. With the new Bush tax cut he's actually worth$19,400." —David Letterman

"President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus plan this week. Itwas reported that if the plan passes the president himself would save $44,000 intaxes, Dick Cheney would save $327,000, and you could afford to take the wholefamily down to Burger King to pick up job applications." —TinaFey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"